What I wish someone had told me about getting an auDHD diagnosis at 42

A doom pile representing my entire living situation for my whole life.

Diagnosis and the Aftermath

While many late-diagnosed AuDHD / ADHD / Autistic women feel relief in getting diagnosed, my primary emotion was that of hopelessness. Oh. You mean this is….just how I am? I’m never going to find the right medicine, or book, or routine, or other magical solution that is going to “fix” me and make things which are hard for me like eye contact and social cues and carrying a conversation or knowing when and how to jump into a group conversation or make and keep friends….this was just going to be my reality. Forever. There was a little relief in knowing that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, and there was an explanation for basically my entire life, but mostly I was just despondent and had strong thoughts of unaliving myself for quite a long time after my psychiatrist gave me my diagnosis as having both ADHD and autism. Autism with ADHD. AuDHD.

While I was not surprised by my diagnosis (I had suspected I was probably neurodivergent and self-diagnosed before seeking an official diagnosis), it took several months to climb out of the pit of despair I had dug for myself and fallen into. I’m still not all the way out of the pit. Some days I feel a modicum of hope, and other days I just cry and cry.

I really hate feeling powerless, and my initial diagnosis brought me to my knees. There was nothing I could do to make this go away. The only way out was to figure out how to manage my symptoms, and that felt like a prison sentence.

As an apprentice of Jesus and a person of faith, I talked to God. Lord, what am I supposed to be now? and why? Why are things that seem so easy and natural to others seem so hard for me? Why did it take 42 YEARS WHICH IS FOUR DECADES for anyone to notice how hard I was struggling to just manage daily life? Will this ever get better?

And a few months and several therapy appointments later (shout out to my therapist if she’s reading this), things did get a little better. I started working on unmasking and finding strategies to cope with the demands of my life both personally as a wife and mom, but also vocationally as a process nerd in my 9-5, and in preaching and speaking, writing, and photography in the things that brought me life and joy. And those little things felt day by day like some kind of resurrection.

We are always seeking and practicing resurrection, daily, as we go through the ups and downs of life. Seeds being buried in the dirt might think they are dead, only to discover they are actually growing into something that bears much fruit. Pregnant women get to a point called transition during labor where they are emotionally, psychologically, and physically spent. Just done with the concept of labor, lol. Get the kid out of me. But at that moment, the baby is almost born, and then she has joy.

I am both mother and midwife bringing new creation into the world through my auDHD.

I am both seed and gardener, watching for signs of new life to spring up from the earth, signs of God’s presence and activity in even though I would not have chosen this.

But here’s what I wish I had known about getting diagnosed as auDHD as an adult woman in midlife. (Perimenopause will have to be its own post, lol).

What Unmasking will be like.

It’s been close to 5 months since I was diagnosed, and I’m still trying to unmask. I have been masking since…probably since I could walk. I really have no idea how to unmask, but what’s worked for me so far is to try to remember what brought me joy as a little kid: being outside and climbing trees, “twirly” skirts and dresses (this was so obviously a stim both physically and visually, because I loved it when my skirt would “twirl” when I spun around), art. It’s been challenging to remember what brought me joy, and who I was before everybody told me who I needed to be. I trust that with God’s help I will discover “the shape of my soul” over time.

Your ADHD meds may make your autistic traits worse.

I started taking atomoxetine and it did help my focus and motivation, but it also made me more rigid in my thinking and my autistic meltdowns worse (haha ask my husband). I am still trying to solve that piece of the puzzle. I’m thankful for the increased motivation and boost in energy, but I don’t love all my autistic traits coming out and making other things more difficult.

Your ADHD meds may make your anxiety better.

I am not a medical doctor and this is not medical advice. I haven’t taken stimulant ADHD meds yet in my journey, so I can’t speak to those, but atomoxetine had the surprising effect for me of lessening my anxiety, especially in social situations. Eye contact didn’t feel as uncomfortable and I didn’t feel so overwhelmed in social settings. (I can preach in front of a bunch of people with absolutely no fear of public speaking, but a dinner party with 7 people will give me an anxiety attack). I still don’t love eating in front of others (this isn’t a neurodivergent thing to my knowledge, just a weird quirk of my personality), but my meds help those types of events feel manageable, even fun, instead of stressful and draining.

Some Supplements and Vitamins may help manage symptoms.

Again, not a doctor and this is NOT medical advice, but in my limited experience some vitamins and supplements for my auDHD that have helped me are: ferritin (it’s a bioavailable form of iron), L-tyrosine, and 5-MTHF. I have zero idea as to the mechanism of action or why these supplements seem to help me personally, but they have made a marked difference in my anxiety levels, my motivation and focus, my productivity, and my mood. Again, I am not a medical doctor and this is not medical advice. Just sharing what has helped me so far.

Movement is Regulation.

I am still not a medical professional and this is still not medical advice, okay? Okay.

Physical movement regulates neurodivergent brains. Lifting weights or strength training kind of works like a weighted blanket. It puts pressure on your body in a way that regulates it. Walking is my current favorite form of movement. My earbuds, my music, and a long walk? I’m a much happier camper. I have to prioritize movement in my day in order to be well.

There is always hope.

This initial stage of figuring it out will pass. And the process of figuring it out will change as I grow and change. And that is okay! There’s no blueprint or process for learning what works for you. Just trial and error. Give yourself permission to try things and if they don’t help, oh well. Now you know and you can move on to try something else. (I completely understand the exhaustion of trying something else, though. I get it).

These are all the things that I wish someone had told me about getting an auDHD diagnosis as an adult woman at 42.

If any of these resonate with you, or you have other things you wish you had known before, during, or after your diagnosis, write me a note and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace,

Alissa